The grace of a slammed door

As always, I was 15 minutes early because I have a terribly irrational fear of being late. I can’t remember one instance when my family was late to anything. My childhood memories are of me sitting in the backseat either reading a book, listening to a walkman, or rolling my eyes because we were 30 minutes early to our destination and had to wait in the car. I’ve definitely been more late as an adult but each time I am, it practically makes me throw up in my mouth – so I’ll take being painstakingly early (I have issues).

I sat there for five… 10… 15… 20… At 30 minutes I decided I was going to check on whether or not I had been forgotten. According to her coworkers she was still on her way…

I waited five more minutes until I absolutely had to do something with the fire inside my chest, then did something I’ve never done before – I simply and politely (THANK GOD – that was certainly His doing) excused myself and walked out the door.

Let me tell you – angry driving in Nashville rush hour traffic (Which apparently starts at 3:30 now!) is NOT a great idea. Thank God for my guardian angels who probably got terrible whiplash, but dutifully and successfully protected me in my little blue car all the way home.

I learned a few things as I was fuming on the way home:

  1. HUMILITY. Besides the lady not showing up for my interview, I was frustrated that this job wasn’t even going to pay what my first job out of college paid 10 years ago. But the fact is Nashville is not – and will never be – San Francisco, then or now. Nor will it be LA where yes, the acting competition was greater in number, but opportunities were also more available. At the same time, I love Nashville for reasons that are a higher priority in my life right now and I’m learning to be ok with that.
  2. I DON’T LOVE – AND CAN BARELY STAND – TRAFFIC. I think my blood pressure would’ve been equally as bad regardless of whether or not I was mad about the situation. Traffic is one of the reasons we left LA and I’m more confident that it’s not worth my time.
  3. SLAMMED DOORS ARE ANSWERED PRAYER. Online dating is something I haven’t gone through myself but I imagine job searching is somewhat similar; after long enough, I’ve begun rationalizing how I could fall in love with something and justifying why I need to “explore” my options. By the grace and mercy of God, I didn’t even get a chance to entertain something that was definitely not right for me.

Though yesterday felt like the “last straw” in my six month job search, I am challenged to breathe, take a break, and refuel before pressing on – knowing God uses even the crappiest circumstances to bring out truth and eventually, beauty.

Romans 8:28 

The Message (MSG)

26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

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