I had great plans to sit down this weekend and really take some time to think about how the vlog went last week but you know how it goes – you get distracted, other projects take a lot longer than you anticipated because of unforeseen circumstances (but the pillow covers that took four hours to make look great, thanks to my ridiculously-talented-crafty-friend, Betsy!), it’s sunny outside (That’s a big one for me – I NEVER like to waste a beautiful day and feel really guilty if I don’t spend as much time as I can outside! Maybe we should consider moving back to SoCal?)… Can you say:
I guess that’s the Enneagram 7 in me but I’ll save that discussion for another day. Anyway, as I sat down to do this I started getting overwhelmed with running out of time and random thoughts began to race through my mind with more vlog ideas, the adulting tasks that I probably won’t get to today and how guilty/how much of a failure that makes me feel…OKAY. Really going to try to focus now because I’ve got about nine minutes before I absolutely MUST shower since I have to go into work pretty soon here, so showering is a non-negosh!
Doing the vlogs was slightly terrifying but also really fun, and it has certainly stirred up my creative juices. I woke up this morning with thoughts racing through my head about what I was going to both vlog and blog about next; it’s quite refreshing to have this “problem” again and to be excited to get out of bed.
This hasn’t been the case for a while. The past few months have been a lot more trying than I imagined and probably let on, and I was somewhat perplexed watching the girl in the videos who is pretty cheery, light-hearted, and upbeat. I had forgotten about her, the Amanda Mae who is most alive and fulfilled when she’s doing something creative, being silly and engaging with others.
Creativity has always been a huge part of my life but oddly enough as I’m getting older, I find myself battling with fear more often. It seems like the opposite should happen – the more you get over a fear, the less fearful you should be, right?
When I was the ripe Hollywood age of 23 and living in the heart of Los Angeles I was fearless – but also reckless at times. At (almost) 32 (I still have two whole months thank you very much!), granted I live in a different market and my creative pursuits are different as well, I find myself erring on the side of being too cautious, almost to the point of being crippled or frozen.
But the vlog was a little experiment and step towards gaining courage, being myself again, living, and loving again. What step – silly as it may be – do you need to take to get moving again?
❤ amanda mae
P.S. If you haven’t checked out the vlog yet, I’m on Instagram @ohmagadia – #vlog2blog